January 26, 2009
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth. –Ecclesiastes 3: 1
"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." -Albert Einstein
It has been 129 days since my first love's life was taken. In the days immediately following finding out he was gone, maneuvering through life was a chore. I combined one of my favorite scriptures (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and one of my favorite quotes by Roman philosopher Seneca to create what became my daily mantra: He has made everything beautiful in its time and time heals what reason cannot." I said that every day, thinking the pain would magically disappear and I would have an understanding as to why this tragedy occurred. That didn't happen. And so I attempted to occupy myself with some of everything to keep from thinking about it. While Dimera and I were not dating when he left this world, we'd spent the greater part of eight years together. I felt like I had to masquerade my grief to make everyone else comfortable. Exasperated, I had a conversation with one of my best friends. Delishia said, simply, that what I needed was time and there was no substitution for it. She has never been so right.
We rush things too much sometimes, desiring the immediacy of life. We get mad because a red light lasts too long. If we're in a store and we see a line at a register, we begin looking for another one or contemplate leaving the store altogether. We don't like to wait. Why? Time is necessary. It allows us to regroup and reposition ourselves for what is to come. I realized that by not allowing myself to process losing Dimera and heal from it, I disrespected time. Have you ever done that? Did you stop going to school because it was taking too long to finish? Have you gone from one relationship straight into another one? Have you ever rushed anything and then had to go back and redo it all? There are lessons that can only be learned through the patience of everything. Tears make sense when you allow them to flow. When given space, things don't seem so crowded. When you work for what you have and take the time to appreciate it, happiness abounds.
It has been 129 days since my first love's life was taken. There are times when I think of him and laugh uncontrollably. And then, there are times when I think of him and the tears flow. There are days when I am happy. There are days when I am sad. There are days when I am confused. There are days when I am angry. There are days when I can't even find a word to articulate what I'm feeling. But thank God that there are days. His will is perfect; it is matchless and it includes time. I will grow in it. I will grow through it. But I will never take advantage of it again because it deserves my utmost and enduring respect. And yours too.
©BirthRight, 2009
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